I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
