it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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