Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
