I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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