I met the friendliest cop last night
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize