i already hear my dad disowning me
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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