I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
