I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
