NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
