wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
