Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize