end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
