Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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