Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
