i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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