if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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