my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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