My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
