I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
