capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
