Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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