i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize