remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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