We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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