I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize