People with herpes should wear stickers.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
