After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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