having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
