She announced her abortion via fbk
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The Olympian is in my bed
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