I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
