are you still at the devil's house?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do vagina's smell?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I can't put those talents on a resume
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
