I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
