Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
