i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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