Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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