i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
