the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
