Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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