i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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