Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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