Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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