splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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