Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
