I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
