I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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