How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
