My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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