i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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