I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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