Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
