Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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