our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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