I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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