hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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