blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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