Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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