Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
