What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
