babies were throwing up all over the place
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
