I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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