im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
