You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
