Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I did not marry a roomba.
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