i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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