A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
